Written by James Cleary – June 30th 2010
STEADY AS SHE GOES: Chapter 1
Here I was leaving work. Laughing at how Zeus and I had used the last two days to explore the powers of the pills we had. Reading internet info, learning about our dosages etc… I was ready to get this show on the road. These are the kind of nights that I live for being the purple haired freak that I am. We would surely be aching from laughter in the morning. I think I have to credit my six pack to Zeus, the bastard will keep me laughing all night.
MDMA and Mescaline have a lot of the same qualities. They both speed you up; make you want to do flips off the walls and ramble a mile a minute. You have to fight the teeth grinding-adrenaline bitch slap though. This isn’t ecstasy, that’s child’s play compared to this stuff, cut with Peyote extract instead of Methamphetamine. This is the kind of stuff you have to know somebody to get your hands on; Pure.
Unlocking the trip is all about freeing your mind and getting into a good rhythm, eyes closed until you unlock the overwhelming feeling of floating. Only then upon opening your eyes can you continue the ‘roll‘. The visuals will follow the rhythm that you’re in.
You have to use your mind to unlock the high. Instead of fighting it, you have to seek it out and embrace it. You have to know what it is you’re looking for. Especially when taken in small doses. It can be surprisingly subtle….Now that you have a bit of a better understanding as into what we had gotten ourselves into. Let me backtrack to the beginning.
The night we actually got the damn drugs sort of just happened. We were just hanging out. Zeus and I were up at the Griffith park observatory. Enjoying the night air and joking about how we missed the starry nights back home. We were drinking Jagermeister as usual, just enjoying life; our newfound friendship still in the very beginning.
He and I always loved to see new places and faces. It wasn’t strange for the two of us to end up in some random forest or abandoned building. We were pros at jumping fences; bending rules. Finding a place to relax was a science to us. We would always carry a hookah, our backpacks, and our Addies with us… The only thing we didn’t have was a camera and it’s a damn shame. This story will have to suffice instead.
He and I had just met a little less than a month prior: At a party thrown at my hotel room. We got to talking that night and realized how much we had in common. It was very cosmic that we’d ended up meeting. I think we both felt that way. Two 20 year olds from the Midwest with some of the same major life goals. It was Ironic to me that he had just taken acid for the first time in his life the night we met.
He ended up crashing all night and we sort of never stopped kicking it after that. Other people would get a hold of us wondering what the hell happened. We had seemingly fallen off the face of God’s green earth in the eyes of many. For some reason we really lost interest in bigger parties and the Hollywood scene. Being around each other reminded us of home, of simpler times… Talking as we went along we built our friendship from the ground up. One brick at a time, not sparing any expense on the mortar at all. This foundation is weather proof.
We took our friendship oddly serious. Neither of us could afford losing a friend at this chapter in our lives.
The only thing that seemed could possibly come between us was the fact that Zeus had already spent the money getting a new apartment in Colorado. He was going to be leaving in a few short weeks for the Rocky Mountain sunshine. This made us value our time together that much more. Neither of us had been able to call someone else our best friend in a long time. It was refreshing to meet someone like him in LA county.
Makes you step back and say, “Ok, not everyone is an empty shell of a human. There are some great people out there, even in this hell hole of a city.”
The night was progressing as usual until Zeus got a text message from a very trusted friend saying: “You guys need to buy these pills I just got. I know you’ll love them.”
Of course we were going to jump on this. Why not? We were both sane, both in good spirits. Fuck it we thought, let’s go. I hadn’t ever even seen Mescaline up to this point in my life. Nor had Zeus for that matter, It would surely be a nice experience to share before he went to Colorado…
I don’t think it took more than a minute for us to make our decision to head that way and grab some.
It was a quick cruise to pick them up, only a short drive down Los Feliz to Glendale. One quick phone call as we pulled up and not a minute later she emerged. Sack of poison in her hand; she explained the pricing. I couldn’t help but be baffled at the sight of the somewhere near 100 greenish brown pellets she had. I might have salivated like Homer Simpson does over donuts. Thank god I knew this girl already.
Zeus and I had no idea that she had so many of those buggers. At this time we only planned on buying around five.
That was until she told us what they actually were and explained how quickly they would go.
We knew that if we picked them up now in a few days time they would be worth a fortune. Naturally we decided 30 seemed about right… Zeus was leaving for Colorado in less than a week. We figured what the hell. Worst-case scenario we’ll share them with everybody. Show our friends what’s up. Familiar territory for Zeus and I, the bastards that we are.
We were ecstatic at the thought of sampling them, excited to look them up on the internet. Knowledge is power right? Can’t hurt to read up on them at all…
I lived just off Alameda Blvd. in Burbank. So we hit Glenoaks off of Pacific. Not more than ten minutes of conveniently placed green lights later and we were home. Parking on the very familiar Spazier street and heading towards my apartment at a nice gallop. This was going to be amazing. One of those nights you tell everyone about for weeks. Shit, one of those weeks you tell everyone about for years.
We burst through the door like two PCP smoking Nazis and started kicking my roommate Mahod’s ass. We instantly bombarded him with bullshit from the first second we got home. A few seconds later we began explaining to him what we had done to our normal little weekend and he was floored. He was ill prepared for an event of this magnitude yet. He was still a young Padwan yet to complete his Jedi training.
Time to cram, we have a surprise pop quiz. The weather today is thoroughly pleased with one’s self.
I threw the bag of pellets onto the bed and grabbed three beers from the fridge. Allowing Zeus to do the proper explaining… After about five minutes of conversation we had decided to take one each. Just to try them out. Why the hell not. I didn’t work until noon and the other two were free all day.
Zeus and I knew that this would be very subtle. More than comparable to taking a hit of ecstasy, something which we had both grown out of with little damage done…
Casually bullshitting along we put in the movie Kill Bill Volume 1. A classic we had all seen a hundred times, a familiar background to pass the time. Nothing better than seeing 100 people get decapitated while your tripping nuts right? Right.
As the movie played we began searching videos on the Internet. As much stuff as we could. We watched Terrence McKenna explain his theories on time wave zero. We also watched his video DMT trip explained: Which literally walked you through his personal experiences, step by step.
I had never heard of DMT so it was completely enlightening to me. Zeus and I both began looking up as much information on the subject as possible. From there we found out that it was Dimethyltryptamine I.E the chemical in your brain that makes you dream.
Discovering that you could find this shit all over and by smoking it actually live a lucid dream for a decent length of time, up to a half hour or so. Yikes. We found out that it naturally occurs in all things, but it is the most illegal substance on earth. Reading information also taught us that DMT was the culprit for people seeing their lives flash before their eyes in near death experiences. Needless to say, as I’m sure you already know; from here on out I would be searching the earth high and low trying to find it.
From there we stumbled upon McKenna’s theories on human evolution through the use of Psychedelics, how Shaman in the Amazonian rainforest actually wrote songs that could be seen; a hypothetical advancement in the human sensory system. In certain places they even brewed teas called Ayahuasca, which could make the effects linger for almost 24 hours depending on the strength of the specific brew.
Thus began our infatuation with shamanistic rituals, and our hopes to one day road trip all the way down to the tip of South America and do Ayahuasca sessions: which have honestly been claimed as a healing practice; supposedly curing such things as leukemia and cancer.
From here we found John C. Lilly’s work and discovered the Isolation Chamber method of exploring consciousness. Apparently you could sit in a big container of salt and fill it with water. The salt would absorb the water and lift you off the ground. Once you’ve begun to levitate the top to the chamber is closed and you’re thrust in to complete darkness. While floating in the dark your mind races through any and all things imaginable. Then upon “breaking” through all of your life’s troubles, you can begin to hallucinate. Sweet.
It didn’t take long fucking around on the net before the MDMA started to come. It was a good clean roll. There wasn’t too much teeth grinding or tweaking out. It was really nice to be able to sit down and enjoy it as it began to manifest itself more concretely…
Mahod was rolling his ass off, pacing around the house. Talking frantically and enjoying himself thoroughly. He didn’t comprehend the words relax or sit down in these moments. The pure MDMA was too strong, he was Looney Tunes happy. He could have lost a sitting still competition with a four year old… I remember when I used to get like that.
You should have seen me the very first time I took mushrooms. I ran around a forest cooing like a Pigeon for 8 hours. Ahh, the good old days.
Zeus and I had other plans for this night though. Neither of us had ever taken Mescaline before. We knew we had to try and decipher the effects of the drug; be patient with it. The roll itself was pretty intense considering we’d only eaten one. By the time I started peaking I myself was a bit edgy and frantic…
Admittedly, I was a little overwhelmed by the effects. Caught off guard per say. It took me a few minutes to level myself off, to relax, and to begin the process of understanding the mescaline.
About an hour after the full effects had set in I began to realize what the mescaline was doing. It sort of hung out with you; a lot like mushrooms do. The only thing is, this was more subtle comparatively.
Mushrooms punch you right in the dick.
I also began to compare it to acid in a way too. A strong mental trip, where closed-eye visuals offer no relief whatsoever from the ones outside. This was more of a spiritual high than LSD though. Sometimes Acid is just fucking scary. Straight up.
We had certainly stumbled upon “the good shit.”
As I began to understand what it is I was supposed to be looking for, the hallucinations became more tangible… One pellet didn’t really bring it out too much. But the right kind of eyes could find it, eyes which I luckily have. It was a joyous occasion.
This was the first time I’d tripped or done any of the “cool” drugs in over a year so it was nice, refreshing. I had almost forgotten how clear minded you can walk out of a situation like this. I had forgotten the way it could bond people together through anything. I forgot how it allows you to get to know yourself a little better than usual. I forgot how amazing that Peak actually is. Uh oh.
Thank god I didn’t take more than one tonight. Being ill-prepared to maintain a good level wasn‘t really a bad thing considering I had work at Noon tomorrow… The small peak that I did get was exciting, knowing that tomorrow I could eat ten if I wanted to…
Looking at the clock and reading 3:13 AM made realize it was time to start the long process of falling asleep. Tomorrow would bring new things. We would be able to dose ourselves up. Maybe get a couple more people in on it with us. Those pleasant thoughts carried me all the way into dreams.
SK ALL DAY: Chapter 2
Work went by surprisingly fast the next day. It was a normal day of selling headphones and listening to music. You would think it would have dragged on considering how excited I was to get home that evening. But it slid by pretty casually. I was in such a good mood that it actually helped my sales for the day. . .Wu Tang . . .
Nothing crazy happened, nothing abnormal or extraordinary. I shared a few minutes out on the balcony smoking cigarettes with random people. Including Penelope who I have to tell you is extremely beautiful. She’s the kind of girl a guy like me runs from, knowing that if she ever got to know me it would be game over.
I had lunch with Constance, answered my onslaught of phone calls smoked a half a pack of cigarettes; normal shit. Before I knew it nine O’clock had come. Mahod, Constance, and Zeus were waiting in the parking lot to pick me up. They were ready to dose hard.
This night was designated “Project trip balls” Version 2.0.
Constance was a good friend of mine I had met through some mutual friends. I actually dated her roommate for a brief period of time. It was whatever, Constance and I never had any complications in our friendship so we were still tight… Dating her friend made me want to make home made pipe bombs and do some deconstruction, but no harm, no foul.
Almost giddy with excitement I hummed past the other stores and out onto the balcony. I more than likely looked crazy as I literally jogged past shoppers towards the exit. My kiosk might have been the first store closed in the entire mall. I had turned putting the tarps up on my kiosk into an art form. It was almost like a form of dancing.
As soon as I kicked the doors open the first thing I saw was Penelope; all mythically beautiful. Smiling with a cigarette burning between her fingers; I only stopped for a moment afraid I might have to turn down a ride home again.
She and I had recently begun speaking more frequently and I had learned she only lived a few blocks from my house. I surely didn’t want to come off rude, so I made casual small talk before eventually bolting towards the car.
One cigarette isn’t going to ruin my night. It isn’t like I could be late for my own party. I could tell by the pep in her step that she would be getting me into a lot of trouble sooner than later anyways. I had bigger fish to fry tonight.
I had my phone sitting out on the railing over looking the parking lot below. She saw it and of course picked it up and started messing with it… I had no idea that she actually put her number in it. I was that unconcerned. It was a good feeling, not caring about what I said or how I seemed to her.
I just acted like I would any other night, with any other person. I think she could tell I was interested but knew I didn’t really care for silly dating. I wasn’t worried.
I’m sure she knew I wasn’t trying to untangle the web that is a woman. I knew that if we were ever gonna talk on any serious level it would involve her making the effort.
At this point in my life I didn’t have a care in the world for the affection of a women anyways, no harm no foul. She surely has plenty of other things to do… What was I gonna say,” hey, I know we only speak in short intervals, solely at work but… Do you want to come eat a bunch of mescaline and stay the night at my house?”
When I got to the car I was greeted warmly. The plan had already been set long before I got off work. I think we all knew what was up come lunch time. The conversation had been simple.
“Don’t tell anyone what we’re up to. Pretend you’re sick; I don’t care how you have to do it. Tonight we’re falling off the planet. Tell your boyfriend you’re going to the movies dude. I don’t want everyone gobbling up all my drugs.”
All the sort of shit you’d expect out of a bunch of people trying to trip in peace.
It wasn’t long before we were all settling in, once again in my familiar bedroom. Zeus and I giving a crash course to Constance. “Okay dude, you’re going to take one. He and I are going to take two each. After about an hour, if you’re still comfortable you can take one more“ Very simple guidelines. We didn’t want anyone having a bad time.
Tonight Mahod would remain sober, having to take Constance home later that night anyway. He had already taken one and he isn’t the kind of guy who likes to push the envelope.
And so it began, Bubble gum sheathed like a sword. Enough cigarettes to kill Thelma and Selma both…We were fully prepared this time for the festivities unlike the night prior. Everyone cracked a beer and ate some potato chips as we casually waited around for the drugs to take hold.
Constance and Zeus searched music online. Trying to find what best suited their moods. I played my guitar quietly, trying to find a suitable position to post up in… We allowed our night to progress forward with a complete lack of concern with watching the clock. All three of us were sitting on my bedroom floor making much due conversation about nothing. It was marvelous.
Before too much time had passed, it was banging on the front door loudly. Screaming to be let in. Mescaline PD, open up… Zeus and I had double dosed tonight so the effects were far more powerful. All three of us immediately noticed the roll.
It was hard and fast, turning our vision into snap shots; snap, snap, snap as we found the rhythm of the music. The room was blurring as it tried to catch up with our eyes. Wobbling to and fro once head movement had ceased only to slingshot back to normality. I could feel my breath moving in and out of my body like a warm breeze. This was a more outrageous take off than the night before. It would be one hell of a peak when we finally got to cruising altitude.
Zeus and I began to feel the strong underlying tones of the mescaline as we continued our ascent. Up and up we went until finally leveling off to a satisfying crunch.
I could tell that Constance was having a good time, just as we were. So the inevitable conversation of dosing one more time entered the equation.
I knew already that at least Zeus and I would be, long before I brought it up. She was excited at the idea of another ascent herself, so I began fumbling through my things looking for the pills.
As agreed we all took one more pill and went off into our own separate rolls.
Conversation was held at a minimum as we enjoyed our highs. We had come to realize very quickly that these things were nasty little bastards. None of us had ever rolled this hard before except me. I was almost a bit nervous about dehydration, and I’m careless. It took a little longer for the second dose to show up. We had to have been riding a solid one hour peak, uninterrupted; hydrating as necessary.
Once the third pill was making its presence known I pulled my shirt off and grabbed the Vick’s Vaporub. I grabbed Constance’s hands and began rocking back and forth slowly. Each of us leaning back until pressure was felt on the other’s hands. One would lean back and the other forward until proper extension was reached. By doing this we achieved the ultimate closed-eye roll… Pretty quickly my body began levitate outwards. Allowing this body high to sink in to the bone, I had found the Zen I had been looking for.
We must have been doing that for nearly a half hour before I opened my eyes. Normally when you do this you lose a bit of the high because of your conscious mind kicking the sub conscious out of the way. Normally you have to go back closed-eye to achieve the feeling again numerous times before unlocking it.
This time it was different though . Here was the mescaline. I could tell by the look on Constance’s face she too had the same realization.
Wow I thought to myself. This is what MDMA wants to be when it grows up. Jesus, this was certainly the best high I had ever had… Here we sat repeating the motion over and over again. Now with eyes wide open we unlinked hands, knowing it was okay to break the connection. It had set in. The second Ascent complete, the final peak was here in living color.
I am a chain smoker so I decided to get up and step outside. It had been a solid hour or two since I’d had a cigarette. It was going to be fun trying to smoke while I was this fried.
Figuring Constance would be okay knowing that I was right outside and knowing Zeus was golden, I got up and stretched her out… standing was a nice perspective change. I was definitely orbiting earth.
as I walked into the bathroom I stupidly allowed myself to look in the mirror. That was when I knew! I was tripping a very pinpointed type of balls. Very different from any other I had done before. My face was murky yet intact. As I reached my hand up in front of the mirror I realized my hand was blown up completely out of proportion. my fingers were bending to the left almost uniformly. I moved with a jerk, a bit startled at my reflection.
Left behind was a trail of hands blinking along, leaving its predecessor behind. They were all still visible in a row for at least 3 seconds… This was fucking crazy. I thought to myself what the hell is going on. I got the hell away from that mirror as quick as I could.
I’m an idiot, there are only two things you don’t want to do when you’re tripping: Look in the mirror and handle your penis, It’s just weird. Trust me.
As soon as I got outside I realized I wasn’t much use standing up. I needed to sit down and fucking breathe…
Fumbling with my pockets I managed to pull out my cigs and light one up. Closing my eyes as I sat down right there on the ground I allowed myself to get comfortable before taking my first few drags.
As with MDMA of any purity, consuming anything else with it thoroughly intensifies the experience. All the drug really does is release all of your Serotonin at once. Which is pretty sweet considering Serotonin controls happiness and is released in moments of pleasure and joy? MDMA is meant to be an artificial form of pleasure… Thank you higher learning.
A mere ten seconds had gone by before I opened my eyes and saw the true capabilities of that mescaline. The world was fuzzy around the edges but still concrete. If I focused on one point too long it would distort to the point of no recognition. Things were sort of cross eyed. I wasn’t, they were.
Looking down the row of trees along the sidewalk I allowed my eyes to open beyond that in which they would normally… That’s when it hit me, and hard. The world was breathing, slowly closing in on itself only to expand again at the pace of my own breathing. If I could keep my peripheral vision in place I could see the whole scene moving at once. This is what it was about. I had found it.
Smiling as I put my cigarette out I stood up. I turned towards the doorway and saw that the porch light was like a shimmering disco ball. Glistening and sending rays of light in all directions, truly beautiful… To this day I can still squint my eyes just right and recreate the effect on almost any light.
Don’t do drugs.
I walked in to find Zeus in the kitchen looking a tad bit discombobulated. I asked him how he was doing and the look he gave me said it all. He too had found his peripheral vision. He too had conquered his roll, revealing the hidden qualities underneath.
Both of us together walked into the bedroom and sat down. There we found Constance, same unmistakable sparkle in her eye. She had to have been rolling her hypothetical balls off, all alone in her trip and holding up well.
By this time we were leveled off to a nice hum. Normal thoughts began to enter our heads once again… It was pushing 2AM: Time to get on the road. We had to get her home relatively soon so I went into the living room and grabbed Mahod. Telling him it was time to go. He knew it was coming and told us he was on his way…
These words made us all decide to step outside. We might as well get some fresh air and a perspective change. A little bit of outdoor air never hurts in situations like these.
It wasn’t more than ten minutes before he started up the car. The dash lights dancing along the street and interior were enough to incite anyone into sensory overload. For some reason it dawned on me that we were about to be driving down the freeway at night. Talk about sensory over load. This would be quite the undertaking.
We were peaking nuts; high as satellites in orbit around the Earth. Soon we would be driving with an almost infinite selection of music. Not to mention the fact Mahod has no problem driving 110 with the system blaring; crazy Persian bastard, swerving in and out of traffic like a maniac completely comfortably. This was going to be intense.
It didn’t take long after the Enter Shikari began playing for the other two to grasp the magnitude of what was happening…
Mahod said to Constance,” you guys are rolling nuts, WOW. Look at Cornelius’ face!”
She knew better though and replied,” They’re tripping balls dude.”
That little bastard smiled and said to Zeus and I, “You guys ready for this?”
We both replied with a resounding,” YES” and leaned back in our chairs as he headed for the freeway. The drive had begun. If I die tonight Zeus get’s all my worldly possessions, and the rest of the Mescaline.
As soon as we got onto the ramp and he realized it was smooth sailing, he punched it. This baby was a stick so he flew through 2nd and 3rd before letting her down in 4th…
We were able to sit up and look out the windshield for a moment once he eased off the accelerator. The road was whirring by, the lights of the city leaving behind amazing trails. The music was overpowering. Our peak was still intact to a point. I think the overall setting had a lot to do with how fucked up we all felt. Simply looking at the road weaving and lurching like a suspension bridge in an earthquake was enough to remind you how far you were from sober.
Mahod turned the music down just low enough to say,” You guys aught put on your seat-belts.”
Zeus and I laughed at this notion thinking. If I die tonight, I die tonight. Not even ten seconds later the music was back up and we were pealed to our seats. 80, 90, 100 and climbing fast. I felt him slide her into 5th and we began the steady climb… approaching 120 before leveling her off. Taking the turns smoothly, humming along. Beautiful.
The scene was brilliant as we approached downtown. The skyline was impeccable. This was one hell of an experience. We had pushed it once again, as far as it could go… or wait… This is almost masochistic I thought at the realization of the sunroof. Do I have a death wish? I’ve certainly been accused. I would call it a life wish.
It was almost like I didn’t have a say in the matter at this point. It had to be done. I pushed the button and watched it slowly slide open. Everyone in the car knew what I was going to do. As soon as it was open I poked my head and shoulders through the hole.
The wind was brutal. It was impossible to keep my eyes opened as I pealed my shirt off and threw it in the car. Extending my arms like wings and allowing the wind to really get a hold of me. Flying at nearly 1oo mph, knowing that one cop or one bump would be the end… It was a very surreal experience honestly. It was definitely gilding the lily.
It was uncomfortable trying to look in front of the car so I decided to turn around. Wind now hitting me in the back I could open my eyes, see the road flying behind us. Get a good look at the trails of light, the waviness of the road. Talk about walking the line, fuck man. I could have died happily in that moment. The kinds of things people don’t believe upon telling them.
We had been driving so fast that it didn’t take long before we had gotten off the ramp and cruised up on Constance’s house. She said her thankful goodbyes and we began the flight back home. The sunroof experience had actually sobered me up pretty thoroughly, so the car ride back was far less interesting. I just relaxed, eyes closed. Listening to the music as we went along, enjoying my comfort.
Before you know it we were home once again.
It was getting really late and I was exhausted. Being pleasantly surprised by the mellow come down I smoked one last cigarette and said my goodnights. What a fucking night. We would all sleep soundly, comfy as half drunk babies. Tomorrow would be another day entirely.
As I closed my eyes and began the process of falling asleep, I couldn’t help but think about tomorrow. Knowing we would be pushing the limit’s even further. Knowing we would be getting a hold of the guru, Chris Sansalone. Surprising him with our gift, knowing he would gladly dose with us. Gladly go off the deep end for a night.
ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE: Chapter 3
The next morning was as uneventful as any other. I awoke to the sounds of music, Zeus and Mahod already stirring around. There was already a pot of coffee brewing as I got into the shower. It was Saturday and the mall is always packed. I knew it would be a long day.
I chose my clothes and said my hello’s before sitting down with my oranges and coffee. Knowing I had to get a move on if I was going to skate to work, I gulped down my breakfast and made for the door. Grabbing my IPod on the way out I threw my flagrantly over the top gold snakeskin headphones on and started cruising towards Glendale.
The skate down Glenoaks is very pleasant in early spring. Sunglasses on, with my headphones blaring the ride doesn’t seem to last more than 20 minutes.
Getting a little work out and soaking in the sun helps start the day off right. The best medicine in the world…before you knows it Pacific Avenue, and then Colorado Blvd were underneath my wheels…
Today was going to be a good day so I decided on stopping in at Gina’s Taco’s; Best authentic Mexican food in town. I grabbed 5 tacos and A Quesadilla along with a Grande orange soda to wash it down.
Then I began the short and sweet walk to the mall. Eating as I walked, completely happy. More than likely still feeling the lingering effects of the pills as I walked closer and closer to work. I really didn’t care though, I was eternally happy. Work and sleep deprivation couldn’t even slow me down today.
Work was work, just another day in the ole’ Glendale Galleria. A place I had grown very accustom to. Completely ordinary; I spent my day fiddling with IPods and counting inventory…
I had my lunch right there on the kiosk. Not caring if I were to get reprimanded. I was in too good of a mood for any bullshit. Nothing could faze me. Not even a decently long, decently busy shift. Before I knew it 9 had come and I was walking out the doors.
I ditched the idea of skating home and decided on taking the 92 bus. I took the short skate and began waiting to catch it on the corner of Broadway and Brand; right outside Borders Books as usual. The bus can be nice sometimes. Not too much unlike this evening… It was a quick ride down Glenoaks. Before you could say “borderline homosexual” I was home, jumping off on Alameda, lighting a cigarette for the short walk to mi casa.
I thought to myself, had it really been three days since we had gotten a hold of those evil pills? Jesus, where do you even get shit like this: MDMA cut with Mescaline…
I knew what was up tonight. We were going to eat our entire remaining stockpile. These were too good to sell. Knowing that the source itself would be bone dry soon, what could possibly go wrong? Does three days really count as a binge?
We had the full trip kit: Two gallons of orange juice, at least five packs of Ice Cubes gum, A 750ML bottle of E&J, A 12 pack of Rolling Rock, 2 grams of Alaskan Thunder Fuck, A gram of 80x extract salvia, and a hookah with three flavors of shish. We had Technicolor toys and a custom play list all ready built.
We had a whopping 15 pills left. Plus we had Sansalone, crazy bastard he is; Ready and waiting at the pad with Zeus.
Sansalone is a guy that I also met at my hotel. He was a Craig’s list roommate: a random hippie metal-head from West Virginia with an infatuation with drug culture. He had been down the road a few times if you know what I mean. He had already done DMT and all sorts of other awesome shit. He was the perfect person to trip with.
When I walked in the door it was to raucous applause. The guys knew that as soon as I got home it was on. I mean I’m as down for sobriety as the next guy, but when you get a hold of some shit like this. You go all out. You push it as far as it can go, knowing you won’t get the chance again any time in the near future; maybe at all.
We were left alone tonight because Mahod went out to enjoy his Saturday; he was always on the pussy chase. Which is fine with me, we were now completely free to run around the house like hooligans.
Zees packed us a hookah as I poured us three glasses of OJ. Chris examined our goodies and said what we had wanted to hear. It actually was what we thought it was. Real Mescaline, which is some very nice shit… I’ve been around the block when it comes to “good” drugs and I can honestly tell you right now. I would eat Mescaline every day if I could. In addle doses it’s really quite bearable.
Once you’ve taken it and know what to look for you don’t need much to get your rocks off. Not to mention people have been using it in Spiritual rituals for thousands of years. I would barely classify it as a drug even, more of a tool for those seeking enlightenment: a cleanser of the mind, a personality and demeanor purification system.
From here we decided a short discussion was in order. How many should we take and when? After short deliberation we decided to take 3 each. Then watching the clock very meticulously we would take one more each on the half and then the hour. 3 separate peaks; so we didn’t get overwhelmed…
Too overwhelmed that is. Five hits of Molly and Mescaline. Good luck with the whole being in control thing… Regardless it wasn’t more than ten seconds later before we all downed our three little friends, beginning the hurry up and wait process.
DOWN IN A HOLE: Chapter 4
Time seemed to crawl by, I was very anxious. Not because I was worried but because of the anticipation of the other two pills. This was going to be intense. Like that Wheezy track: “I feel like dying, I feel like dying. Call me when the drugs are gone. I feel like dying, I feel like dying.”
If only I had known how real those thoughts would seem in an hour. This was at the time the most spiritually motivating experience of my life. I had already dug in deep and ripped as much of the impurities out of my mind as pos sible. I was dangling from the branch, freshly ripened and there for the picking. Or so I thought. Taking three at once was a very poor yet good decision.
As the time passed up until we took our fourth pill each. We had a discussion about what we should do. I mean we were pros. We could set a plan of action and follow it unabated. How would we manipulate the trip? I think therefore I am, like we would be in full control of everything.
We decided we would listen to some cunning linguists upon the arrival of our first peak. Trying to find artists and songs that would keep our minds racing, get into our heads a little bit. Sort of incite a frenzy of opinion and conversation. The stuff we all knew and could sing along to. Creating a sense of unity that would be a pleasant thought to hang onto later. Setting us up for the second peak keeping the nervousness that we had over done it at bay.
Once we reached our second peak we would watch Requiem for a Dream. That movie would surely spin us out of control, listening to Requiem by Bach will shake you like a martini.
Then we would all take our individual places and listen to some very deep music with strong bass tones and melodic harmonies. Here by forcing ourselves into the hole of a bad trip. Each of us having to conquer our personal battles all alone, sinking or swimming as men we would all be prepared for the magic to come later in the evening.
Adhering to what most would shy away from: Self-loathing and deep discomfort. As soon as shit got bad we would all then reemerge from our cocoons prepared for the final peak.
Once we hit the final peak we would turn on the DJ’s and rave music. Kick you in the nuts fast paced action. All together in the same room conversation not even due we would turn on the projector and taunt ourselves. That’s when we would smoke the Salvia. Talk about over kill, oh my god… We had Shpongle, Infected Mushroom, Astral Projection, and 1200 microdots already cued up.
There was no way around it. When three guys get together and say some shit like that, it’s over. Death before dishonor, if you can’t come in her, come on her… The only safety was realizing that the people next to you who you normally see as collected are in the same spot as you. If not in a worse place entirely, holding onto the thought that you’re okay. The presence of the other people is the only thing that can bring you back from a bad head trip of this magnitude.
We cracked the bottle at this point and began taking shots. Careful not to over drink and become dehydrated, the ultimate killer in situations like these. I decided I was going to smoke inside for this night. I had no inclination of running in and out all night like a dumb ass. I was the only smoker.
Before you knew it the peak was coming. We had Outkast playing very loudly as we smoked a bowl. I could feel the high traveling through my body. Taking three pills at once is a bit crazy. When in doubt, take two. Realizing that we were supposed to be on a very poignant schedule I glance at the clock. It had been 38 minutes since I choked down the first three pills. It was time to take one.
I signaled to the other two that it was time and we all stared at the three little green pellets on the table. All of us embraced in a sort of picture esque position to capture the magnitude of the situation. Who does this, honestly? Right as we were about to put the pills on our tongue and chase them down with some orange juice Sansalone had one of his brilliant ideas.
“Why don’t we break those in half and put the dust in the OJ. The pills will hit us faster. That final peak will be relentless.” I of course was delighted with the idea and obliged. Why the hell not right? It isn’t like we’re worried about our mental health. Life as a glass of orange juice sucks for the person’s loved ones sure. Do you think he really cares though?
We all broke our pills and a sent them flying down our gullets. I actually went back onto the table and with a wet finger slid it across the magical pixie dust. The moment I felt it graze my tongue it was like the high awoke. Firmly grabbing me and dragging me along with it down the spiral staircase.
“Lest it begin” I said in my normal outspoken way. This is going to be one hell of a ride. The room was familiar to me so nothing too crazy went down. I was chilling on my beanbag eyes closed. Searching for the perfect rhythm to unlock my roll I leaned as close to the air conditioner as possible. Feeling the breeze of the fan float past was not going to hurt in the slightest bit.
I of course had built a bit of a tolerance over the past two nights so I wasn’t really overwhelmed at all. I knew that I shouldn’t be trying to milk the trip just yet. The raw intensity I craved would soon seek me out on its own accord…
Before much of the movie had passed I knew it was time for the fifth pill, so we repeated the action prior. As I took my last pill something in me knew that it was time to shut the light off and throw my headphones on. Take the pills a half hour apart. Feel the effects a half hour apart… The other two knew what I was up to and grabbed their little patchwork pieces of bedding and went into their separate rooms.
Zeus went into the living room and onto the couch with his Alice in Chains. Sansalone headed into the bathroom and settled into the shower with a pillow, whatever music he needed right there waiting and ready on his laptop.
I was left all alone in my pitch-black bedroom. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and laid flat on the ground. I had Renegade ready. I knew that the beat to that song would drag me deeply within. From there I chose to listen to Sweet Child O’ Mine.
That shit always brings a tear to my eye, ever since my mother passed away. That would pull me into the bad trip and I would be ready and waiting with A Perfect Circle and Tool…
There was no use in procrastinating any longer. I had the play list built and I let it ride. Laying there on the floor the music began dragging me along with it. I could tell that the other pills were coming on strong but I refused to allow myself the privilege of opening my eyes. I had to go into the hole or risk breaking our sacred bond.
Not long after the Jay Z and Marshall Mathers had begun tearing away at the seams of my sanity with a crowbar, I was there. Closed eye visuals chased with difficult thoughts dancing through my head. The weather was brutal with scattered terror.
The thought that I wouldn’t be able to see my sisters any time soon, the thought that this is what I had chosen to do with my life. Brilliant as I am I could have been a fucking doctor. Now I’m some crazy ass nomad. Searching for home…
Was I running from my past? I slowly begun realizing I hadn’t found home up to this point. Deeper and deeper I sank into the ugly hole. Finding only sorrow, regret, and anger I allowed the feelings to overcome me.
Right there in that moment Guns and Roses began to play. That was my Mother’s favorite band. I was instantly thrust into the memories of my mother having seizures on the ground. Tears flowing freely as I flashed to the recreated scene of her open casket, bloated and lifeless. Remembering the anger I felt at seeing her toxicity report: Xanax and Cocaine still coursing through her body.
Remembering the tears I had spilled as I hugged my three young sisters. Fighting off the anger, stone cold and numb right there in front of my whole family… Thoughts of my attempted curtain call: Laying there in the grass, stomach full of sleeping pills. Half gallon in my hand, barely enough left inside to get a High school girl buzzed. Forced into vomiting for hours upon hours by the people there to witness. Whole chunks of pills lying on ground still intact.
Remembering telling my Grandmother no when she invited me to my Father’s funeral. Fuck, what a terrible person I am. Deeply seeded Demons were rearing their ugly heads at me in spite, laughing at my weakness, putting foot prints in my heart. Thoroughly enjoying my suffering like I was nothing… This is what I had asked for. Reliving the moments I had tried so hard to come to terms with.
Literally watching my Mother waste away before my very eyes. At 15 years old, witnessing her smoke Meth into the wee hours of the morning. Our sole income on disability, douche-bag wanna be step asshole after another. I was firmly locked into my suffering, anger turning into rage.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks… She fucking loved me with all of her heart. I was the only thing she had worth living for after the girls were gone.
It had just been too long of a separation. She had already beaten her body into the ground with prescription pills when I willingly submerged myself in her life again. Did I really think she would be around forever after all the pain she had been through, after losing the girls and her husbands? Fucking bastard’s oh God, what I would have done to them if I had been a little bit older.
She wasn’t a bad person. She showed me the way not to do things… Fuck that, she was gone but maybe I was meant to bear this burden. Maybe the weight of the world was built for my shoulders like I was meant for bigger things. I could be lying in some sleazy hotel room with a crack pipe. But I’m not damn it. I’m the fucking particle sun. So what if I want to expand my mind, experiment a little bit, fuck?
I couldn’t tell you firmly how I found my closure. I don’t think it was given to me until that moment because I wasn’t ready to let it go. I always had to stand so strong for everyone else. This was my time to decide I was okay with it. Digging myself out of that treacherous Mescaline pit was the hardest thing I ever had to do. We’ve all heard the expression that’s a slippery slope.
This was even harder than the actual events themselves because I couldn’t stuff it down. I had to face it or I would have been stuck in a terrible trip all night. It really was like being born again.
The wave of happiness and pleasure shot through me like lightning on a hot summer night. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I didn’t know how much time had passed up to now but I knew as certain as the Cubs won’t win the World Series this year that I was fucked up.
Flying, I allowed myself to open my eyes and the pitch black room was full of all different sorts of patterns. The edges of every thing were loosely bending along to the rhythm of the music like they were intertwined; designed for each other like puzzle pieces. I knew it was time to flick the light on and go check on the other two. God only knows what had transpired in their heads.
Knowing that Sansalone was fine I stumbled meticulously into the living room.
There he was; headphones on, completely plugged in deep within his own mind. Completely unaware of my very presence, entrenched in the many thoughts roaming free. I could hear him breathing deep. I knew that he was in a different place. Almost like earth bur not quite, something different all together. The so-called bad trip most people fear so much.
I immediately pulled the headphone chord from the laptop and “Down in a hole” filled the room with noise. Zeus instantaneously opened his eyes and gave me a look of deep sorrow. Knowing that we would leave the conversation for later I simply grinned back at him and said, “You find what you were looking for?”
I knew that he had surely passed through those long Minnesota winter nights sleeping in his car, totally alone. Terrible memories of his mother’s anxiety, being awoken to claims of bugs crawling under her skin. His father’s abuse and anger. Thoughts that he himself hadn’t fallen far from the tree, that he had been cursed with the same indiscretions.
He returned the smile, the same one I’d seen so many time before and said,” yes brother, let’s go get Sansalone and enjoy this night. Wow man; remind me to leave the Alice in Chains for whiskey nights. Jesus Christ.”
It was on.
Rushing into the bathroom we found Chris. That asshole laughed right at us as soon as we came in. He had been down this road before. He must have found it funny to see us dig out of those holes. It was like a badge of honor. Not many people have sunken into their most despised thoughts, faced their fears so boldly. We completely crushed our egos and freed ourselves from regret all in one sitting. We really were two brand new people sitting there.
OUTER SHPONGOLIA: Chapter 5
We took this time to walk outside. We were all tripping hard as hell. Moving slowly, eyes lit up in wonder. Making the quick decision to sit in the grass we all decided to hold hands and talk. To begin the group experience, rooting our connections even deeper.
The conversation was filled with our separate experiences and recognition of the others importance. None of us would have traded this moment for our weight in gold. Clarity to an astronomical extent right here off Alameda.
It didn’t take long for us to head back inside. We all wanted to play, jerk off with our trips a little bit. Of course we wanted to enjoy it. It had taken a lot of strength to get over the first moments of the two rising peaks. Now we were ready to start the rave. I couldn’t help but insert a fight bell when we turned that projector on.
Ding, ding, ding; let’s get it on.
Watching that swirling projector was insane in the membrane, whoever thought of this should get a Nobel Prize. I could literally suck myself into the wormhole willingly due to the fact that I had developed my Mescaline eyes the two nights prior. It was a complete loss of one’s physical self. Listening to the obscene tones of Shpongle and watching the wall transmogrify to the rhythm. Chugging orange juice and taking shots to add to the effects. Steadily and surprisingly getting more and more fucked up as the night went along. This was my first taste of outer Shpongolia.
I don’t know if five minutes passed or five hours passed while we all laid there in the living room. Playing mind games on each other, laughing hysterically like schoolgirls. Finally having attained the complete freedom we had searched for; that of a bird, cruising along steadily to a destination unknown, dumb ass bird that arrives right on time completely ready for all the bird-like festivities.
I knew it was time for that salvia, the second most powerful hallucinogen on the planet. As if my current state weren’t enough I headed into the bedroom and sat down in front of the computer. I looked up 1200 microdots and loaded Mescaline into the queue. It was a long song so I was sure it would suffice…
I packed up a nice juicy bowl of that evil black tar and let the song start. This song has a driving beat. A song you’d imagine party boy dancing to: Oontz, oontz, oontz.
I stared into the video and let myself catch the rhythm, letting the light show toy with my senses. Then I started hitting it. Casually smoking like it was nothing, even though I had never done it in my life.
I let out that one last hit, the one that breaks you through. Instantaneously the rings of light in the video began shooting out of the screen. The constant beat turned into painful sounds, and applied seemingly infinite pressure to my body.
Relentlessly smashing me as I sank down into my chair incapable of movement. I was completely paralyzed and panic-stricken, shaken to the core and surrounded by waves of light and pressure as I fell onto the ground. I had to get the fuck out of this room.
I crawled into the bathroom and stood up. Haunted by the sudden intensity and lingering trails I tried to yell. But my mouth wouldn’t open. It was like my jaws were sealed shut. I looked into the mirror and I could see my mouth stretching. Still completely overwhelmed I was finally able to pull my lips apart.
As soon as I opened my mouth I was hit with wave after wave of my own teeth to the rhythm of the terrible metallic music. Relentlessly bashing as I fell through the front door onto the sidewalk outside. I remember being scared that I was going to trip this hard for hours. I could still hear the terrible sounds, still see hundreds of smiling teeth surrounding me. This was someone’s version of hell for certain.
Slowly but surely I came out of it. Hanging onto to the knowledge that Salvia only lasts a few minutes for dear life. Terrible vibes had surrounded me. I was emotionally spent. Jesus man, talk about fucking with your head. I thought I was paralyzed for a solid 30 agonizing seconds. Visibly shaken I lied there. Finally laughing to myself as I came down to the level I was used to.
I had no inclination of any form of movement so I just chilled. Right there on the sidewalk, breathing slow and steady. Watching the world breathe with me, baffled at the fact you can walk in to a store and buy that shit. High school kids everywhere smoking a roving fucking disco; Weapons grade drugs readily available to the masses. Theirs is thought. Get em while they’re young.
I could tell that it had to be nearing five AM. The horizon was showing signs of life. There was a sort of aura floating in the air. Like the whole world was alive. Even the trees and ground seemed to be full of life. This was at the time my longest and most intense experience. The kind of thing that can bond people eternally… It had been a solid 7 hours since we dropped. What a long ass night. A night well spent.
I was very physically exhausted when I got back inside. I decided on a wind down of the Beatles. Still high as a kite I put my headphones on and laid on the bathroom floor. The cold linoleum felt amazing on my exposed skin. I was sure that the other two were doing something of the same nature, realizing we were getting close to the next day very quickly.
I left myself in the emptiness of that black room until I woke up. I don’t know how long I was in their but I do know that the Beatles were the right choice. Strawberry fields and Lucy in the sky with diamonds guided me along a very beautiful and spiritual trip. The room was filled with beautiful dancing entities and love. I could see my soul floating right their above me as I drifted into sleep. My mind was clear and full of amazing thoughts and happiness. I don’t think anything could have been better. We had completely blown the doors off of this one.
I honestly think to this day that I became the man I am today in these three days. My life wouldn’t be the same if this had never happened. This book never would have existed at all. You never would have had the pleasure of meeting me. I will cherish this memory into my dying days. The most spiritually motivating weekend of my life, and thanks to a good memory you were there. Still to this day, I can squint my eyes and see things the way they were that night.